Angels and Demons

Life Ain’t About How Hard You Hit…It’s About How Hard You Can Get Hit and Keep Moving Forward.  How Much Can You Take And Keep Moving Forward! -Rocky Balboa
When I was 15 I gave birth to my very first child, because of my age and other key factors I made the choice to give him more then what I could provide.   By the age of 21 I had given birth to a second baby and had just finished my dance with the meth devil.  I had been clean and sober for 4 months when I became pregnant for the third time…  Do to an intensely abusive relationship I lost the baby early in the pregnancy.  It took me almost a year to mentally move on.  By that time I was expecting my 4th and final child on top of working 2 jobs to keep up with the cost of living.  When I was 25 my brother and I both made the decision that we were better off and happier not being in each others lives. We decided to cut ties and go our own separate ways.  By the time I hit 27 my mom decided our relationship was no longer worth much when she made the choice to cut all ties with me and my boys.   At that time I had just met my husband however we were just friends who lived together.  I spent a lot of my free time being extremely depressed and questioning my self worth.  At that moment in my life a very good friend and life mentor stepped in and introduced me to a book that allowed me to put ALOT of my mom into perspective.  Coupled with intense counseling I was able to morn the loss I had endured with my mom and move on.  It took me several years to get through the anger that goes along with that kind of loss.  But I made it out alive and learned a lot about myself in the process.  I chose not to allow the hard blows life threw at me to define the person that I was.  My husband always tells me I chose to brake the cycle.

The day I got the call about my brother passing was intense, my heart filled with a regret that ran so deep it chilled me to the bones.   My mind raised with a quickness that would have brought anyone to their knees with exhaustion.  And I felt an aching in my chest, not realizing at the time my heart was breaking.  Just not for myself, for my 4 nephews and their mother.  I couldn’t allow myself to worry about my feelings.  I wasn’t the one who just lost my father or the one who lost the father of my children..  Even though he and his baby mama were not together.  The 17 years of history between the two was enough to leave anyone pain stricken with remorse…  Mind you at the time of his passing he was married to someone else.  The marriage was fairly new but still in existence.

I made the decision not to attend my brothers actual funeral which took place in New Mexico with his wife, her family, and their friends.  Of course my nephews, their mom and my mom were in attendance.  Though my brother and I didn’t talk, we had an understanding  and I had a respect for what I felt would have been his wishes.  My nephews mom whom I will refer to as my sister-in-law from now on.  Decided to hold a memorial back in ID for those family members on Erik and I’s side who couldn’t attend the funeral…  Out of respect for my sister-in-law and to offer moral support for my nephews I attended that memorial.  I was able to keep it together for the most part, only breaking down in tear-filled regret when viewing the memorial board filled with pictures of my brother through the years.  And again when we all sat around trying to top each other with crazy stories of run in’s with Erik.  I can’t say I was ever grief stricken for the loss of my brother.  He lived a good life from the stories I heard and unfortunately along with fortunately he passed away doing what he enjoyed.  He did not suffer, there was no pain…  He simply went to sleep and never woke up.  My brother Erik left behind 4 children whom he will never get to watch graduate high school.  He will never get to experience their first dates, and his grandchildren will never feel his touch..  My sister-in-law now plays the part of both mom and dad full time.

The day I found out my brother passed away was a very sorrow filled day, a lot of tears were shed for my nephews and their mother.  But a lot of anger was projected toward my brother as well.  We are all going to collect our demons or as some would say “skeletons” as we walk through the path of life.  It is what we choose to do with that dark moment that defines who we are.  Most of us can get threw it drawing strength from the process to become a wiser more independent individual.  We all have our struggles when it comes to life lessons… We can choose to get threw them using our inner strength or we can choose to escape our struggles supplying them with their own power which gives off an energy that can become suffocating.  We don’t know how Erik died, those who knew him close have their assumptions.  And those who knew him at all have their stories.  But when all was said and done we all agreed that he chose to make some extremely dangerous decisions that took his life.  He left behind a wife, her newborn baby, a baby mama and 4 children who will never see their father again.

Let me tell you something you already know.  Life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows.  It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you think you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life.  But it ain’t about how hard you get hit!! – Rocky Balboa

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When duty calls

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If you have a positive attitude and constantly strive to give your best effort, eventually you will overcome your immediate problems and find you are ready for greater challenges. – Pat Riley

When my family and I moved to Spokane this past summer…  My husband and I made plans to find a temporary place for about a month, buy a house and then settle in.  Seemed like a good plan to us..  Plus, the realtor we were using had been working with us about a month before we pulled into town!  Man were we in for a very crazy adventure!

The first week was spent driving all over and to different towns even, viewing anywhere from 5-6 places of interest.  Each viewing went down something like this… Everyone would walk into the house of interest together… Followed by our two boys and myself immediately going one way, and leaving my husband with our realtor (who has never sold anything to a visually impaired individual) to go the opposite direction.   I must say it’s extremely humorous listening to a realtor almost loose her mind because her blind client is inching too close to an inground pool!!  All while discribing different features of the house trying not to elude to the fact that she is freaking out a bit!  Lol!  Sometimes when the boys and I were board we would purposely tell J about different things we had already found, explain to him where these things were located…  Then just sit back, and observe the realtor in a very calm manner frantically chase after J!  😁 Who was intently wondering around the top of stair cases, low lying ceilings, or sectioned off pool areas…  Trying to discover all the treasures he was just informed of!  Now understand my husband is 6’4″ and is a lot smarter then people give him credit for.  This was all done in harmless fun.  I always made sure his safety was never a cause for concern.  However looking at empty houses for 8 hours a day all week long  can get really boring, especially if you’re a kid.  I tried to keep it as entertaining as possible! Granted it was at the expense of our realtor, but hey, I’m sure she’s had worse experiences! 

Everyday ended with J and I sitting down writing out a pros and cons list to each house that was explored in comparison to the houses canvassed days previous. We also had intense conversations about financial breakdowns of each piece of property…  Because my husband bought our previous home before we were together.   And me only having rental experience.  I had no idea so much work went into purchasing a house.  All I ever had to do, was move in!!

By the time week two came around, our little family had settled into the temporary abode as planned.  The first night spent in our little apartment was filled with giggles and snickers seeping out of our boy’s room!  As my husband and I worked diligently filling the space with minimal items from storage, while making jokes of our neighbors dog, and just appreciating each other.  We had finally accomplished the first goal on our list, J and I felt a sense of accomplishment!  A celebration ensued in the form of Taco Bell and a new board game for our enjoyment!  We spent the next few days enjoying our new spot!  And waiting on an offer that was placed on a house we felt suited our needs very nicely.  When life decided to slowly step in and show us there was another plan for our family to embark upon!

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We spent a lot of time at this house that came with its own in ground pool, pool house, split level entrance, duel fire places and a view that was so whimsical it could take anyone’s breath away!  My husband actually referred to this piece of property as “pure bliss!”  However after multiple inspections the blinders to our amazing dream home began to lift…  We started to notice that the house itself was not what it seemed.  Our biggest let down was discovering that the current owners had been the only caretakers to the property for a while..  Though they did a pretty good job for it just being the two of them, the couple was a lot older.   There for the few things that to them, were just harmlessly over looked resulted in big concerns.  It took us almost 3 months to layout all of the maintenance expenses we would face to even get the house ready to endure the up and coming winter months.  We finally made the painful decision to let it go and stay in our apartment at least over the winter season.  Save some money and then try again in the spring. 

When all was said and done, our boys said their goodbyes to classmates at one school and hello to the ones at their new schools.  We began to start our journey in our new town.  Things were going really well for us, our neighbors were very welcoming and excited to learn we decided not to move out so quickly.  Friendships began to form with the neighborhood kids and our boys.  My husband even formed his own bond with a fellow veteran!  About a few weeks after we established residency in our new complex, I received a phone call from my sister-in-law that resulted in a sling shot back to the town we had just vacated.  With a heavy heart… She informed me that as of 9 am that morning..  My older brother passed away at the young age of 35……

Journey to a New Beginning 

Journey to a New Beginning 

 

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“Nature is infinitely creative. It is always producing the possibility of newbeginnings.”-Marianne Williamson

Well hello there! My name is Jill, I am a 33 year old stay at home mother of two astonishing young men…  my oldest Justin 13, a pleasant light during my dismel times, as well as a stubborn second to my adolescence…  Since the beginning of his life Justin has been my sole educator to the true meaning of the word patience! LOL!  He lacks a conscience at times, resulting in his inability to make the right choices! Leading to theaft, destruction of public property and at times a police escort to our front door… However on the other hand! Justin is a master of the art of  dance, art and basketball!  I truly am proud of what he is capable of. Like any mother I would just prefer he use his talents for success is all… 

I also have a 9 year old, Jahdon (pronounced Jaydon).  Despite the fact that he has been alive for 9 yrs, maturity wise he is more like 15!!  Very hard headed, rebellious and at times way to smart for his own good!  Jahdon is my common reminder to keep going, no matter how hard things get.  To him, failure is not an option!  He doesn’t care what situation he is handed he knows he has to keep moving forward…  he is my inner strength to continue moving on! Just don’t tell him that! 😉 

I am happily married to a man who has truly been tested by the obstacles of life in more ways then one. My husband James grew up in poverty surrounded by numerous gangs and constant violence… He left all that behind to join the military only to be medically discharged 6 yrs later do to a genetic mutation resulting in the loss of his sight…  He then went on to attend college for 6  years ending with a degree in liberal arts! Alright!!! Now you’ve become aquatinted with my family.  Let’s move on! 🙂

This is the first time I have had a blog…  So I don’t know what to expect from this new found journey, but I can only hope that this experience will be for the positive and nothing else!  About 7 months ago my husband and I made the decision to pack up and move our little family away from all friends, family, and, well… life as we knew it… Starting over in a new state, with new schools, new policies, and even new laws!  We encountered new culture, new walks of life, new environments and that was only in the first two weeks!!! 😉

we come from a state where the use of recreational and medical marijuana was illegal… Getting caught is punishable by fines, community service and even jail time… We now reside in a state where recreational and medical cannabis are both legal… Yeah!! Imagine walking your two children and your blind husband, up to a register at a ma and pa grocery store and  encountering a glass case full of bongs, pipes and bubblers… It’s not easy listening to your children argue over a bong, being a self watering vase or a musical instrument and not want to interrupt to set the record straight! But I did compose myself and we ended that trip on an awkward positive note!!!  I decided to start a blog as a means to document our families journeys…

Just a while ago, our family was hit with a band new experience when my oldest son Justin had his second grand mal seizure in his life… Trust me there is no parenting book out there to prepare you for the helpless felling that is washed over you as you watch your child shake uncontrollably, with contorted facial expressions, while blood pours from their mouth.  He and I together embarked upon an expedition to find him some answers… We immediately scheduled him for an EKG (Electrocardiograph) an ECO (Electrocardiogram) and an EEG (Electroencephalogram)… Justin was soon diagnosed with Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy which is a common form of epilepsy. As long as we keep him on a medicine that works for his body, Justin can lead a fairly normal life.

As a family we have had to make many changes, mostly  in our kids room to accommodate the “what if” aspect of all of this. You know change bed positions, put up just in case prosedure steps to deal with seizures. We all had to take classes on how to properly handle situations if a seizure should happen. And Justin’s little brother became even more protective of him… 

At times finding the positive out of dark situations is difficult… To me it’s like looking through a bag of sewing needles to find the pin cushin!  But Justin has this ability to give you the light you are looking for at times when things don’t seem so bright!  While in the doctors office after Justin was informed that any form of contact sports are out of the question…  He looked at me with so much love and confidence about him and said, “mom, it’s okay… I can still play basketball! And I do love city bus adventure!”  My heart skipped a beat and with an honored glance of impression I hugged my son, smiled at him and took him home….

 We don’t know what the future holds for our family right now…  We have barely come to terms with the here and now.  But we do know this, we are prepared to protect each other through thick and thin.  We all know when life hands us tough times the strength of our family will get us through anything! 

So there it is! My family in the rawest of form! With some life challenges along the way! Please stick around, we are just getting started! Hopefully this blog takes us on a journey of suspense and success! Opening our lifestyle up to new opportunity and challenges! Exposing our weaknesses and our strengths! But for now this is it! THIS IS US!!!