When I was 15 I gave birth to my very first child, because of my age and other key factors I made the choice to give him more then what I could provide. By the age of 21 I had given birth to a second baby and had just finished my dance with the meth devil. I had been clean and sober for 4 months when I became pregnant for the third time… Do to an intensely abusive relationship I lost the baby early in the pregnancy. It took me almost a year to mentally move on. By that time I was expecting my 4th and final child on top of working 2 jobs to keep up with the cost of living. When I was 25 my brother and I both made the decision that we were better off and happier not being in each others lives. We decided to cut ties and go our own separate ways. By the time I hit 27 my mom decided our relationship was no longer worth much when she made the choice to cut all ties with me and my boys. At that time I had just met my husband however we were just friends who lived together. I spent a lot of my free time being extremely depressed and questioning my self worth. At that moment in my life a very good friend and life mentor stepped in and introduced me to a book that allowed me to put ALOT of my mom into perspective. Coupled with intense counseling I was able to morn the loss I had endured with my mom and move on. It took me several years to get through the anger that goes along with that kind of loss. But I made it out alive and learned a lot about myself in the process. I chose not to allow the hard blows life threw at me to define the person that I was. My husband always tells me I chose to brake the cycle.
The day I got the call about my brother passing was intense, my heart filled with a regret that ran so deep it chilled me to the bones. My mind raised with a quickness that would have brought anyone to their knees with exhaustion. And I felt an aching in my chest, not realizing at the time my heart was breaking. Just not for myself, for my 4 nephews and their mother. I couldn’t allow myself to worry about my feelings. I wasn’t the one who just lost my father or the one who lost the father of my children.. Even though he and his baby mama were not together. The 17 years of history between the two was enough to leave anyone pain stricken with remorse… Mind you at the time of his passing he was married to someone else. The marriage was fairly new but still in existence.
I made the decision not to attend my brothers actual funeral which took place in New Mexico with his wife, her family, and their friends. Of course my nephews, their mom and my mom were in attendance. Though my brother and I didn’t talk, we had an understanding and I had a respect for what I felt would have been his wishes. My nephews mom whom I will refer to as my sister-in-law from now on. Decided to hold a memorial back in ID for those family members on Erik and I’s side who couldn’t attend the funeral… Out of respect for my sister-in-law and to offer moral support for my nephews I attended that memorial. I was able to keep it together for the most part, only breaking down in tear-filled regret when viewing the memorial board filled with pictures of my brother through the years. And again when we all sat around trying to top each other with crazy stories of run in’s with Erik. I can’t say I was ever grief stricken for the loss of my brother. He lived a good life from the stories I heard and unfortunately along with fortunately he passed away doing what he enjoyed. He did not suffer, there was no pain… He simply went to sleep and never woke up. My brother Erik left behind 4 children whom he will never get to watch graduate high school. He will never get to experience their first dates, and his grandchildren will never feel his touch.. My sister-in-law now plays the part of both mom and dad full time.
The day I found out my brother passed away was a very sorrow filled day, a lot of tears were shed for my nephews and their mother. But a lot of anger was projected toward my brother as well. We are all going to collect our demons or as some would say “skeletons” as we walk through the path of life. It is what we choose to do with that dark moment that defines who we are. Most of us can get threw it drawing strength from the process to become a wiser more independent individual. We all have our struggles when it comes to life lessons… We can choose to get threw them using our inner strength or we can choose to escape our struggles supplying them with their own power which gives off an energy that can become suffocating. We don’t know how Erik died, those who knew him close have their assumptions. And those who knew him at all have their stories. But when all was said and done we all agreed that he chose to make some extremely dangerous decisions that took his life. He left behind a wife, her newborn baby, a baby mama and 4 children who will never see their father again.
Let me tell you something you already know. Life ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you think you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you get hit!! – Rocky Balboa